Monologue: Any Age, Any Gender, Muppet Narrator Type

This is a monologue from YULETIDE SHAKEDOWN by Peter Fenton for the role of THE SNOWMAN. YULETIDE SHAKEDOWN is a holiday rom-com interrupted by local politics and conspiracy at the North Pole.. This copyrighted monologue is free for use in audition and educational settings. The full play can be read on New Play Exchange. © 2018 by Peter Fenton. All rights reserved.

About the Character:

THE SNOWMAN (Any Age, Gender, and Ethnicity), a Muppet-like narrator written with a warm southern accent.

About the Play:

Full-length. A holiday rom-com interrupted by local politics and conspiracy at the North Pole. She's a village school teacher. He's the son of Santa and Mayor Claus. When an otherwise festive romantic comedy plot unfolds, a blackmail scandal in Santa's Workshop turns the peaceful North Pole upside down during Mrs. Claus's campaign for Mayor. Narrated by a sassy talking Snowman.

SNOWMAN

Y’all ever been outside when it’s snowing? When it’s raining my flesh everywhere? Maybe don’t think too hard about that. When the weather outside is frightful, it’s so easy to get lost. Things get buried as the landscape changes—but nothing actually goes away. So you better try your darndest to find it or it’ll be lost until spring.

Now, I’ve lived a good, long life for a snowman. Now most of you folk don’t ever realize it, but when you’re a Snowman, you’re lucky if you even live a week.

There’s a few considerations to keep in mind: If the weather’s gonna change—yer gone. If the neighborhood kids decide to get real mean and knock y’down—yeah, yer gone.

If, say, the magic ice queen learns how to control her powers learning the power of love—“Let it Go”, ‘cause yer gone, baby! But I’m a lucky old bag of ice.

Now the secret to my very long life is that I live at the North Pole—no matter when in the year you visit, step out on those city sidewalks—in the air, there’s a feeling of Christmas. You can go to the meadow and build your own snowman, pretend he’s Parson Brown for all I care.

My point is: I’ve lived a long time and I ain’t going nowhere until global warmin’ gets me. So I maybe got a week, so listen up: I wanna impart some wisdom to you youngins before I’m... neutralized.

Now I have a few stories from my day, but even if I lived a hundred years, I’d never forget the story of Mitchell and Daisy.

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That's the end of the excerpt! If you want to read more from this play, go over to the plays page on this website. If you want to check out more monologues by Peter Fenton, there are a few on the blog.

Want to use it in an audition or in a classroom setting?

Be my guest! This material is free to use for those settings only. While I'd love to know that you resonated enough with my words to use it as part of your audition or class, you do not need to ask me permission. All I ask is that you credit me as the author and the play that it came from.

Want to perform it publicly or use it in a different way?

Please contact me and explain your situation. We'll come up with an agreement that makes sense and is fair to us both.