Updated: Feb 20, 2019
An unfortunate mental picture comes over me as I am tasked with an extremely important task at one of my best friends' wedding.
Back at the end of April in 2017, I had the pleasure of being in a friend’s wedding. More specifically, I had the pleasure of being an usher in a friend’s wedding. This friend is no ordinary friend of mine, he is one of the two Jakes that I lived with in junior and senior year. He’s also one of the only two people I can discuss Survivor with like it’s football, the other collectively being the entire Survivor subreddit.
Anyway though, I had a couple very important jobs to do during the ceremony: as people entered the church, I gave a big camp-counselor-on-the-first-day-of-camp smile and said, “Hi! Welcome to Jake and Carrie’s wedding – please take one of these bulletins from my hand and then you can ‘choose a seat, not a side – ‘cause you’re adored by both the groom and bride’” (Carrie has since told me I probably didn’t need to say the rhyme out loud – as those exact words were printed on a sign right next to me).
I also made sure to pass out this tiny packet of communion elements to each person if they wanted it. It really is revolutionary: this couple wanted to have a communion portion of their wedding (that’s really not the revolutionary part… though it was objectively revolutionary the first time it happened when Jesus picked up the bread and the wine and told his disciples “Yo, this is me. Consume it. This is so y’all remember that I died until I come back” (Luke 22:19-20, paraphrase – but you’d probably believe me if I said it was the Message, right?)) –
Anyway though, the communion packages came in a big plastic bag and looked like they came from Oriental Trading Company! This really cut down on the time it would’ve taken to get the bread and wine passed out, which is great – because the shorter the ceremony, the better the wedding. Usually. That means there’s less time for the Best Man to drop the rings in the grass, which I definitely did not do at Corey’s wedding when I was the best man. Nope. Never.
But there was an extremely important portion of the ceremony that was up to me to time perfectly: I opened the door for the bride. Yes, I stood at the back of the church during the processional and at just the right moment, I opened the door for Carrie to be escorted down the aisle by her father. All eyes were on me (collaterally) (because they were waiting to see the bride). Now I’m a fairly intelligent person and I can be trusted usually to do simple tasks like opening a door. Sounds easy, right?
Wrong! The unfortunate thing that made the whole process complicated was the choice of processional song. It’s an excellent song, really, but I fell plague to thinking about the lyrics a little too literally. Jake and Carrie did an awesome job in the originality department – no Pachelbel’s Canon or Wagner March for them, which was a really welcome change. More couples should do that, if for the sanity of their same-age peers who are going to wedding after wedding and hearing that same song. There are so many songs out there! Many of them would be beautiful as wedding processionals – even this one:
Jake and Carrie chose a song by British heartthrob and awkward lovechild of Ron Weasley and Andy Dwyer Ed Sheeran, Tenerife Sea. Take a listen here:
The wedding party began to process when he started the lyrics, so the groomsmen and bridesmaids made their way down the aisle together, followed by the ring bearer, and then the flower girl. By the time the song builds into the bridge, everybody but the bride had arrived at the front of the church. Again, it was my job to open the door to the church so that Carrie and her dad could enter at just the right time.
Let’s take a second to think about what Mr. Sheeran was singing at the present moment at that point. Here are the lyrics to the bridge of the song:
Lumiere over me.
Lumiere over me.
Lumiere over me.
So he’s singing this over and over and over again for what feels like an eternity, right? And the song is building in anticipation for Carrie the bride to burst through the door in all of her beauty, so everyone’s eyes are fixed on the door and by extension, at me. This was unfortunate, because obviously this was the mental image I had in my head as Ed Sheeran repeated and repeated and repeated the bridge:
I’m standing there, doing everything in my power to stifle a shriek. I obviously remember this as feeling like 10 minutes of every eye on me as I tried my hardest not to burst out laughing at the stupid mental image of Ed Sheeran playing feather duster to a candlestick, chéri, but it was realistically no more than twenty seconds.
I can’t remember if I laughed or if anyone noticed how little poker face I actually have, but I’m pretty sure the ceremony went off without a hitch (Brendan even sang the verses of Come Thou Fount in the right order!) and even if it didn’t, hey, Jake and Carrie are married now and everything seems to be going just fine. It was a great day for them, and I definitely had a great day too*
*I seem to recall at one point, around 9 pm at the wedding reception, the caterer rolled out these trays of chicken tenders and French fries. If for no other reason, I know I had a great day when I got to eat free chicken tenders and fries I had no idea were coming out onto the dance floor with me
Reminds me of that stupid joke:
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
Yeah, the ceremony was just OK – but the reception was wonderful!