ISBN 978-1-61588-409-4 | Heuer Publishing

A Play in 2 Acts for 14-20+ Actors (6-8 Women, 7-8 Men, 1-4+ Any Gender)

Recommended for Professional, Community, College, and High School Productions



The down-to-earth knight of legend, Sir Galahad, is sent by a dying king on an epic quest for the Princess Jacqueline’s hand in marriage. His quest is complicated when he catches the eye of the castle’s like-minded messenger, Lady Heron, and finds himself falling for her while a ruthlessly selfish, threatening type lurks in the shadows, also on the quest for the princess’s hand. This final retelling of my debut play, Good Knight and Goodbye, maintains the innocent, silly energy I approached the story with in 8th grade and folds in the stronger characterization and shades of dark humor that developed when rewriting it in my dorm room at Wheaton.



Unabashedly silly and an affectionate parody of the knight quest genre, Knights of the Square Table has seen comparison with Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Spamalot  and The Princess Bride - and I wouldn't argue that, but I would add another companion piece in Alan Menken's 2014-15 musical TV series Galavant. Fans of any of the above are encouraged to take a stroll through the kingdom of Slekochovakia in Knights of the Square Table.


KNIGHTS OF THE SQUARE TABLE is dedicated to Mrs. Fisher, my eighth grade English teacher – one who has always believed in my ability to put my money where my mouth is, even when I was a fourteen-year-old boy.




Male, 20-31 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight

A skilled swordsman who is the subject of countless legends of his bravery throughout the kingdoms. While he is brave and has accomplished quite a bit in his life, his personal humility, responsibility, and quiet sense of humor may be his most defining (and somewhat surprising) traits. He has very recently transferred back to his home kingdom of Slekochovakia to serve in the court of King Carlton for the purpose of marrying Princess Jacqueline. After he is sent on the quest to prove his worth to marry Jacqueline (really as a formality), he finds himself falling in love with Lady Heron as she continues bringing his messages at every corner of the kingdom. Galahad is stuck with a tough decision through the play, believing he must either confront his feelings for Lady Heron or go through with his word to the King and Queen.


Female, 18-29 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight

An energetic messenger for the royal family, though her hyper-competence has led her to serve far beyond her title, becoming a close personal advisor and de facto chief of staff for King Carlton. She is regularly frustrated by the people she works for, but rarely lets that interfere with her pleasant, down-to-earth demeanor. She has developed a little crush on Sir Galahad and seeks an opportunity to act on it. At the outset of the play, Lady Heron asks Sir Galahad on a date, but is softly rejected. Lady Heron nonetheless develops a bond with Sir Galahad as she continues delivering the king's messages to him and grows increasingly frustrated with the general incompetence of the royal family, seeing Sir Galahad as a like-minded refuge of a person.


Male, 16-27 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

An enthusiastic, somewhat naïve knight serving in King Carlton’s court. Though he is slightly younger and far less experienced than Sir Galahad, they have developed a fast friendship upon Galahad’s return to Slekochovakia. Traber is chosen somewhat randomly at the start of the play to lead the inaugural exploration of Cape Emerald, the new territory of Slekochovakia. When he and Sir Galahad cross paths in the new territory, Traber joins the quest as Sir Galahad's sidekick and confidante.


Male, 17-28 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

A jealous, power-hungry knight serving in the court of Slekochovakia who sees himself as Sir Galahad’s nemesis. Regrettably, Sir Galahad barely knows who he is. He takes up the quest for Princess Jacqueline's hand as well, wanting to become king and mostly show up Sir Galahad. While he is presented (and sees himself as) the antagonist of the play, he is of dismissively little threat to Sir Galahad.


Male, 16-27 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

A knight serving in the court of Slekochovakia. May double as CHEF TORTE and GUARD 1.


Female, 16-27 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

A knight serving in the court of Slekochovakia. May double as CIRCE.


Male, 25-45 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

The uptight, all-business Captain of the Guard in Slekochovakia. He is set to take a leave of absence in the near future, leading some to speculate Sir Galahad is being groomed to take his place. May double as GUARD 2.


Male, 35-55 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

The pompous king of Slekochovakia prone to lengthy, aimless monologues done no favors by the fact that he is not particularly bright. Though he does not intend evil, his narcissism often leads to dubious executive decisions. Despite these flaws, he is fond of both Sir Galahad and Lady Heron. He is dying from an unspecified disease and wants to see his daughter married before he passes away, which sets the quest plot in motion.


Female, 35-55 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight

The perfectly mediocre queen of Slekochovakia. Being wife of King Carlton in sort of a loveless marriage has taken a toll on her over the years, but she is nonetheless sad at the thought of her husband passing away. As an out of touch monarch, it should come as no surprise that her oft-repeated catchphrase is "let them eat cake".


Female, 18-22 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight


The headstrong, beautiful daughter of King Carlton and Queen Victoria. Her parents’ hands-off style has allowed her to develop a penchant for mischief. She was betrothed to a Prince Charming before the start of the play, but this engagement ended abruptly. Something about a glass slipper. She didn't really care to listen. Jacqueline has somewhat of a tragic character arc: after Prince Charming leaves her, she offers her hand in marriage to any of the Knights of the Square Table and nobody takes the quest up. Jacqueline is initially upset by this (and has no idea that two knights took the quest after she left) - an yet, in the events of the finale, she is left as alone as she was when the play began. May double as PARVATI.


Any Gender Identity, 25-80+ Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Observing Vow of Celibacy (Any Sexual Orientation)

A chaplain of sorts for the court of Slekochovakia presiding over both the first task in the quest and the royal wedding. This character is friendly, approachable, and deeply loyal to the court of Slekochovakia - always willing to listen and offer insight on spiritual matters as a fairly neutral third party. When the role is male-identified, his name is Friar Wesley and when the role is female-identified, her name is Mother Agatha.


Male, "826" Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight


The kooky, womanizing court wizard of Slekochovakia. He lives by the mantra, "Life is short. You have to look out for number one because no one else will. Trust no one, step on everyone in your way, and throw them off a cliff even if they win." He and Sir Galahad have a prior acquaintanceship from Galahad’s initial time in the kingdom, which leads Galahad to seek his advice. Merlin is far more competent and dangerous than his goofy presentation suggests, easily manipulating others to work for his own agenda...


Male, 16-27 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation


A calm, rational young man who serves as the royal family’s chef and baker. His deadpan snarky sense of humor is often lost on the people he works for, especially Leslie Godzillabride. May double as SIR HUMMEL and GUARD 1.


Female, 25-45 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

The militaristic wedding planner in a modern suit inexplicably transplanted into the medieval scene for Princess Jacqueline’s upcoming wedding. She means business and she gets results, no matter who she has to fire. May double as AMANDA and HANDSERVANT.


Female, 20-29 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Straight


Three ethereal, beautiful sirens living on an island casually luring people to their deaths. May double as LADY SOBERICK, PRINCESS JACQUELINE, and LESLIE GODZILLABRIDE/HANDSERVANT.


Any Gender Identity, 16-27 Years Old, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

A servant of the King and Queen. May double as LESLIE GODZILLABRIDE and AMANDA.


Any Gender Identity, Any Age, Any Ethnicity, Any Sexual Orientation

Two guards of Slekochovakia with banter bringing to mind Monty Python. May double as CHEF TORTE/SIR HUMMEL and LORD DIEHM.

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